Are you fed up with the results you are getting?

What has been occupying my mind a great deal over the last few months is how to define success and what it means.  The amazing thing is that I have received so many insights on the topic in a multitude of ways: in flow with the Universe perhaps.  I would like to share a couple of recent ones.

First a myth.  Many people believe that Struggle + Stress + Sacrifice = Success.  Many of us buy into this in our pursuit of success because we are convinced that the next equation is: Success = Happiness

And yet so often what happens is that we get this equation: Struggle + Stress + Sacrifice = Unhappiness.

You could rewrite this Unhappiness = Success = Happiness.  That probably sounds counter-intuitive.  However I concur with Michael Neill's perspective: Happiness leads to success a heck of a lot more often than success leads to happiness.

So how can you put down the load, let go of the struggle, and live more for yourself, so happiness comes more easily and often? Well there is a great facility available and that is Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe.  It is a free service where you receive a well crafted message from the Universe every Monday.  In essence Mike's view, is take heed of your dreams, capture them visually or in a reflection journal and let the Universe do its magic.  This sounds easy but remember we have minds that kick in and start wrestling with how this is going to happen and when it does not all happen immediately fill us with negative self-talk.  It is all about trust and developing the tenacity to keep showing up and to try out different ideas in a playful way to see what works for you.

So are you up for that?  If so what one small step are you going to take today?

Are you so absorbed in making a living that you have no time for living?

At the moment I am researching into what makes some businesses more successful than others and in the process redefining what success means.  My last post looked at how a community has been formed in North Herts based around a common interest, motherhood, and how that is now transitioning to a profit-making business.

In this post I want to talk about two very different people who have a similar approach to life and yet are achieving success in very different fields.  The first is Ted Leonsis and the second is Lynn Serafinn.  Both are American and perhaps more importantly both have strong values which drive their business.  In both cases their focus is on happiness or fulfilment rather than wealth as defined in the world’s terms and yet financial gain has been a by-product of their activity.  This is a subtle distinction but a very important one – the driving force in their businesses has not been around making money.  To explain further, let me give you the five rules that Ted lives by:

1) Active involvement in local communities – this is because as humans we are first and foremost social beings and need to connect to others.  He thinks it is vital to volunteer and support projects within our local communities because apart from anything it makes us feel better about ourselves

2) Allowing self expression – for Ted this has come out in two ways: the discipline of blogging on a daily basis and more recently filmmaking.  The latter has led to the coining of a new phrase filmanthropy to describe the power of documentary films to inspire, enlighten and serve as agents of change.  He has established snagfilms.com to continue this work.  Another manifestation of this is found in employees and advocates....

3) Astounding levels of personal empathy – this could be likened to a reservoir of empathy to empower others.  Ted describes how he got alongside the cleaners in his current company and cleaned a stadium with them.  Although this happened some time back, they talk about it today more than President Obama’s visit to the stadium.

4) Acts of service – in his daily life Ted is constantly grateful and looking for ways to give back

5) Articulation of a higher purpose – it is not just about doing business, it is about being clear about your calling and allowing that to be transparent in the way that you do business

How does Lynn Serafinn fit into this mix?  She has been inspired to write a book called the 7 Graces of Marketing which goes into detail about what creates good marketing in essence.  She talks about how the current way businesses do marketing is making people ill and encourages us to follow the 7 graces rather than the 7 deadly sins of marketing.  She defines these as:

The Graces                          The 7 deadly sins

Connection                         disconnection

Inspiration                          persuasion

Invitation                            invasion

Directness                           Distraction

Transparency                     deception

Abundance                         scarcity

Collaboration                     competition

What really resonates with me is connection.  It is about remembering that everyone wants to be heard and to feel valued closely followed by collaboration.  When are we going to realise that we can achieve more by working with others?  Recently Lisa Pearson aka the mummy whisperer when talking about her new book explained that it had been road tested by 35 Mums.  It is her content and yet she checked out with those in her community whether her ideas worked.  I do a lot of work in the corporate environment and competition is still alive and well.  Looking at Ted’s five rules to happiness, I am reminded that most businesses fail because the owners become so absorbed in making a living that they have no time for living (Ralph Waldo Trine) and forget about the higher purpose and the big picture.

Going through Lynn and Ted’s lists, which of these concepts do you feel drawn to and what could that mean for your business or the way that you live your life?

For more details on how to buy Lynn's book go to http://fb.me/1chTz55BC

Where do you draw the line when it comes to another's happiness?

So here's my dilemma. The OH has been offered a job which he really wants to do. Normally I am all for him being happy in what he does especially at work which occupies five out of seven days most weeks! Who wouldn't be?

My first feeling of unease came about when I discovered that because of the nature of the

Photo is by Henning

job, he will have to be office based. Ever since we had the children over four years ago, he has been a home worker which has been a marvellous sense of support. Although moving to an open-plan style barn did mean it had its challenging moments from time to time as he could not just shut the door to stop interruptions from the girls!

Yes it will be different but in many ways I can live with that because I believe he will be happier. So what am I wrestling with you might well ask? The role happens to be top secret which means he has to be security vetted. This means he has to fill in pages of information not just about himself but about me, our siblings and our parents. One question which particularly got to me was the one in which we had to declare whether or not we had loaned a thousand pounds or more to anyone in the last five years. The level of detailed information that they require about our financial affairs is incredible and I want to be able to say that's enough already. Instead I am being the dutiful wife and digging up the information he requires to get clearance. All I can say is I hope it is worth it!

So that brings me to this week's question for you: when do you say enough is enough especially when your actions could impact on the happiness of another? Put it another way what compromises do you make to ensure harmony in key relationships such as a marriage/ long term partnership?

10 things that make me happy

Over a week ago, I was tagged by the effervescent Nickie with the Happy 101 Award and now in a better frame of mind I am ready to write this. So here are ten things that make me happy:

The love of my daughters

Recently I have been away a great deal delivering coaching and mentoring skills in a cross-cultural context. Whenever I come home, the welcoming committee is always there often making noises and trying to get the door open. Most recently my youngest was giving me a big cuddle on my return and quite unprompted she said I missed you Mummy. My heart melted. It is wonderful to receive such unquestioning, almost unconditional love.

A good book

I love to get lost in a really good read which is probably why I am currently in two book groups and always struggling to keep up with both groups. In particular I am a fan of great writing and by that I am like Lynne Truss in that I love good use of grammar and punctuation. This is as important to me as an interesting plot.

Wine

I have always enjoyed a glass of wine at the end of the day. One of the best presents we ever received as a couple was membership of the Wine Society. It is fantastic that it is owned by the members and it always delivers good quality and value. Definitely prefer red, port and dessert wines to white wine though.

Colour

When I worked in the corporate world, I would always team up dull coloured suits with a dash of colour from the Spring palette be it a scarf or a shirt as I am convinced it brightens everyone's day. Orange is my signature colour and that's great because it stands for positivity.

Food

Typical of Taureans the way to woo me is through culinary skills in the kitchen. Just as well my husband is also a Taurean. We both love to cook and experiment with food.

Being pampered

There's not much that beats a good facial, pedicure or manicure. Given the chance I would make pampering or going to a Spa a monthly outing. It is so energising to have a period of peace and quiet with no children clamouring for attention.

Travelling

I love finding out about new cultures, visiting different places and expanding my horizon. Something that with two small children I dream about now and yet its time will come again.

Yoga

It is a wonderful way to take me out of my mind by focusing on the postures. I often find it gives me a real sense of release and a burst of creativity. Need to do it more often.

Sunshine

Fortunately I do not suffer from S.A.D but I do love it when the sun comes out. Everything seems easier and it reminds me of that kids' song about the sun has got its hat on and has come out to play. Let's hear for the sun.

Connections

My dear friend Callie was one of the first to read this post, do get to know her as she exudes love and light so naturally, and pointed out that I had only 9 things not 10 that make me happy. I had probably missed out the most important thing to me. I believe that we are here to be in relationship with one another. I have always been a pantheist which means that I believe that the spiritual lies within each of us and it is about making a connection at that level. That's why I love what I do coaching because it is all about building rapport and respecting the humanity in each and every person. It is what makes me alive which is why I am such a social media addict.

It's good to reflect on these things and I will certainly revisit this post when life is not so sunny as a reminder of my blessings. That's it from me apart from to tag someone. Initially I chickened out because no one asked to be tagged but I am choosing some people. I nominate:

ownselfbetrue because she is fab and her personal blog is new and is worth a visit

jesschivers because she is an advocate of positive psychology and will have an interesting take

emmakaufmann because she is a published writer who writes from the heart

colourfulcoach because she understands the importance of colour so really gets that point

somethingwonderfuldesign because she has such wonderful style and flair and is local to me

and you if you want to take the challenge. Just send me a tweet or leave me a comment if you are going to continue this meme.

How busy are you?

It came to my attention through an article I was reading recently that there is a belief that the phrase Keeping busy? has replaced the more traditional greeting on meeting someone of how are you? Initially I was quite sceptical about this but then as often happens when something is brought to one's attention I noticed it more. In fact it was a bit of an epiphany for me because until that moment I had not realised how much it was part of common parlance. It got me thinking about the underlying assumptions of this change of usage.

Is it related to the Puritan work ethic which has so dominated our culture in the past? In the past that translated itself as every one had to earn their place in heaven. In today's language it seems to have come to mean that each of us has to earn our place in society through what we do. How many people do you know who gain their sense of self worth through what they contribute? There are even those who spend time listing what they do with their time perhaps to prove that they are occupied in worthy pursuits. For others saying how busy they are is a polite way of avoiding offence – in other words they have been too busy to find time to see you as it is easier to put it that way rather than the more truthful I choose not spend my time with you.

Whatever the root cause it, it has had ramifications beyond the social worlds we inhabit and crept into our work environment. Although thinking about it, it was probably established in our working lives before infiltrating our social conscience, one only has to recall 1993 when the UK won an opt-out clause with regard to the implementation of a 48 hour working week. The latest talks on this issue to get rid of the opt-out clause within three years collapsed in April 2009. Closer to home, it is becoming increasingly the norm for employees to work through lunch. With this pattern, also follows an assumption and expectation from employers that staff will continue to do this unquestioningly. I wonder how healthy such an attitude is especially if we consider that we are human beings not human doings.

How about this for an idea? It sounds counter-intuitive because it swims against the current culture but why not give it a go. Put aside time each day when you just relax, focus on your breathing, perhaps do a structured meditation. See what happens over time – you may find you can fit more into your day; even that you become more creative. Avril Carson from the Happiness Project, subscribes to 30 minutes meditation daily and extends it to one hour when she is very busy. So here is my challenge to you – take some time out of each day to do nothing and see what happens.

How lucky are you?

Ever since I was very young, I have had an interest in psychology. For a long time, I thought that was what I wanted to read at University as at that time I understood it to be the study of people. When I looked into it more, it seemed much too scientific for a girl who had no science beyond O level. I almost took Chemistry A level until the teachers baulked at my other two A level choices - History and French.

It was with great interest that I responded to a suggestion to attend the Psychology for All conference last Saturday. It was also a thrill to contemplate a whole day devoted to my own personal development without two young children in tow. I was not disappointed. It was such a smorgasbord of ideas, my mind is still reeling from the impact several days later. I would like to share highlights from the keynote speech.

Richard Wiseman who opened the conference was a delight. He has spent many years looking at luck to find out whether it is as some believe down to random chance or whether there is a more rational explanation to it. What is amazing is that a ten year study he conducted with 400 people chosen at random shows that we can all become “luckier” if we choose. The key seems to be the development of a positive mental attitude. Everyone experiences tough times and set backs but it is all about how we process these – those that consider themselves lucky are likely to look at any situation and see what is good in it and consider themselves lucky because it could have been worse. Another of Wiseman's principles is that lucky people tend to create opportunities and are open to seeing the opportunities in whatever situation they find themselves in. They tend to court change and variety in their lives as a way of breaking daily routines. They also have flexibility of thought which is valuable when in a tough place. In short the good news is that we can all bring more luck into our lives through the way we behave and think. Wiseman took his experiment further by creating “Luck School” to see if people could be taught how to become luckier and the good news is that with a few simple exercises, we can all become luckier. One of these is to keep a luck diary and to notice at least three lucky things each day. Participants of Wiseman's study claimed to feel luckier as a result of going through luck school so why don't you try keeping a luck diary and observe what happens.