The cost of having strong values

So I like a challenge which is why I have committed to write an entry for Josie's writing workshop despite the fact that it feels as if our house is falling down around our ears! The focus is on what is it that I refuse to compromise on and what is the impact on me.

This topic drew me in because as a Taurean, I am reknown for my tenacity which when overplayed becomes being bloody-minded to those around me. I am passionate about life and the importance of having values and therefore helping others to articulate what gives their life meaning and therefore find happiness in their choices. Before I go off into coach speak let's get into specifics.

One of the things that is important to me and my husband is that our children display good manners. On many occasions, often completely unexpectedly, we have total strangers come up to us in restaurants and comment on how well behaved our girls are and what a delight it is to see such young children behaving so well - they are 3 and 2. This of course gives one a glow and for me makes me feel that I may get some things wrong but at least I am getting something right.

That is the preamble for what comes next. Last Friday we were round at a friend of mine's house. She has two boys pretty much the same age as the girls so it is great to get the children together as it usually works well on a number of levels. Not last week. First off her youngest spent much of the afternoon crying for no apparent reason. My friend, whom I shall refer to as N, explained how he had had a swine flu jab earlier in the week - something which I can't understand anyone doing unless their child has severe asthma or a similar condition which means the effects of swine flu could be much more serious. I mentioned my view but managed, for me, to be quite diplomatic so I did avoid one potential hazard. So far so good. N then went on later to explain that her son was not usually like this to which I agreed but that due to the jab and other factors she felt that it was his way of punishing her. She felt therefore that she had to respond by cuddling him etc. At this point I happened to mention that if either of my two turn on the tears they get short shrift and I tend to say that I am going to count to three and I expect them to stop. Yes perhaps that was the moment I should have kept silent on my views as it all came home to roost not long after.

The four children sat down for supper. It was a delicious chicken risotto but my eldest did not eat much because she did not like the lemon flavour in the rice. In the end I finished hers and against my better judgement said she could have pudding as I really did not want her getting hungry later. When everyone had finished she wanted to get down. So I said casually what do you say to N? My expectation was that she would say please may I get down. She refused to say anything, wanted a cuddle and went all shy. I said that she needed to sit at the table until she was willing to say anything. Everyone else got down and played and I went to the toilet before we started getting ready to leave. I came back in and went over to have a quiet word explaining what I expected her to say. She then agreed to speak to N who came over and tried to be encouraging. No dice and by this time I felt that I could not drag the whole thing out any longer so I said to her either she said it or she could get down but there would be no treats the next day. She claimed she did not want any treats the next day, got down and the three of us got ready to leave. N was very reassuring and said that they had the same thing at times with the boys etc. etc. but after all that I had implied and said before, I did feel a bit of a plonker.

So would I take the same course of action again? I was reading someone's blog about disciplining children the other day and his view was that it is the child's decision whether they heed what you say when you explain that you do not like their behaviour. They may do what you want the next time, they may not. All that said the best thing to do according to him is to be consistent in terms of one's expectations each time so that the message given is unambiguous. Perhaps what I do regret is my attitude to her child which could be seen as smug so I may be more circumspect in terms of what I say in a similar situation another time. What is has shown me is that it is for all these reasons that I never claim to be an expert on parenting or to give advice for which I expect to be paid on this subject!

Being in flow: celebrating the small things

Wouldn't it be great if adults could have the same delight for small things as kids? My two year old was ecstatic this morning because she found a hippo nappy to wear. She told me about it then waltzed downstairs beaming from ear to ear and told her daddy too! Her happiness lasted for quite a while and was also very infectious. I learn so much from having two toddlers. What do you do to be fully present? How do you get into flow?

What are some of the steps towards inter-dependence?

I was coaching another Mum today and as a result of our conversation realised what a short period of time it actually is that our children really depend on us. Certainly by the age of twelve they no longer want to do stuff with Mum, it's much more cool to hang out with their friends.

It struck me that for much of the time when children are very young - mine are 3 and 2 - one often finds oneself thinking if only they could do that themselves. Recently my eldest has got into the habit of jumping out of bed half an hour after lights out, having shouted for me because she needs the toilet. I have insisted that she go by herself then she comes downstairs to find me and asks me to tuck her up again. I can find this an intrusion into my time rather than seeing it as endearing.

And yet when our kids decide that we are superfluous to requirements and become more independent, there is a part of us that encourages this change because it is the first step on the path to adulthood. If we are honest another part of us is saddened by the loss of those moments spent together in the park or whatever it was we did together. How many parents give themselves space to acknowledge these feelings or ever voice them to their children?

This is one of life's conundrums. It seems to me that one of our roles as parents is to enjoy whatever stage that we are in with our children. The other is to help our children discover inter-dependence as this is the route to a greater sense of contentment in adulthood. Isn't life about finding the balance between the urge to belong and be accepted and the need to find our own destiny whilst being in relationship with others?

What's the big deal about having a positive mental attitude especially as a parent?

One of the things that I am fascinated by as a coach is positivity, what it means and how it can affect our lives. Earlier this year I wrote about my first experience of Positive Psychology which was very inspiring; and of course in my line of work there are many coaches that espouse the Laws of Attraction as a way to live one's life. Much more recently I caught most of an interview on Women's Hour that involved the self-defined pessimist Ariel Leve and the Director of the Happiness Project, Dr Robert Holden. I was finally inspired to put pen to paper by a wise woman, Lisa Pearson, who has studied and adapted John De Martini's work in her coaching practice. Finally as if right on cue, another enlightened coach, Beth Follini, signposted me to Barbara Fredrickson's research on the subject and an article written about it. So below follow my current thoughts on the topic with a part specifically relating to parenting.

Initially I had some real concerns about unrelenting optimism, not least that it would be exhausting to maintain, as well as being a “turn off” for those around people who practise it. This seemed to be borne out by Ariel Leve's experience of parenting by her father. She found him exhausting because he was always so positive about everything in his life. Perhaps that is why she has taken up the stand that she has in life as a self-assessed defensive pessimist. From her perspective nothing can disappoint her because she has already gone through the worst case scenarios in her head. Interestingly she and Robert Holden did reach some agreement in that he stated excessive optimism was unhealthy because it probably meant the individual practising that was not being completely honest with their lot.

What is fascinating is that a great deal of Fredrickson's research supports the belief that I instinctively believed to be right but could not prove and that is about finding a balance between the negative and the positive emotions. What can happen is that our focus is on the negative because positive thoughts are so much more fleeting. This is where training the mind can come to our aid - such as the use of affirmations, meditations, future self visualisations and my personal favourite, setting intentions; or a combination of them all. Fredrickson's research indicates with an increased diet of positive thinking, we are likely to feel much more like we are living life on purpose more aware of the social support and see the opportunities for co-activity. This has certainly been my experience and many years back I would have put myself in the Leve camp!

You may be wondering well how do I do that? Positive emotions grow out of the ordinary transactions of life—being with others and following your interests. They are not related to affluence. In other words, as long as our basic needs are met, it is accessible to everyone.
Here's the really great part, Fredrickson worked with a mathematician and they proved that three positive events to one negative event was the tipping point for going from average to high performance. It is even more effective if we manage a five to one ratio where possible. However, one step at a time!

For me this has had major ramifications with regard to parenting and my lesson in all this is that I need to adapt my style to enable my girls to follow their interests more fully. I say that because with two toddlers, I do find myself saying no much more than yes and at times being disproportionately cross with the girls. I have vowed to become more aware of the level of negativity going from me to them and to aim to get it in proportion to the positivity they receive from me. Helpfully Fredrickson has developed a website called PositivityRatio.Com to help us do this. So why not check it out yourself and see what happens when you observe and make note of your positive to negative ratio in relation to your children or other parts of your life. If it starts to change, what impact is that having on your life as a whole.

I would love to hear your comments on this article so do jot them down on the blog or drop me an email to kate@wholeselfleadership.com.