This post is inspired by a conversation that I had with two men in my life right now. For those of you who are wondering, no they have not supplanted Andy in my affections; the connection with Michael and Steven is an energetic one and is very exciting because it works on a mind, spirit, emotional and gut level. So much so that my coffee machine blew up when they came over for lunch yesterday! In fact the make of coffee machines is known for going wrong so it is probably unrelated. The three of us spent part of the afternoon discussing our book and what we were going to write about next and I received so many insights on some of the stuff that I am working through right now that I had to share them with you. What it boils down to is this.
We all have a desire to belong, to feel part of a community. To some extent this comes from the parenting we receive which some describe as socialising little people so that they "fit" within society. If you are a parent just think about how much time you spend/ have spent prompting your kids about good manners and saying their ps and qs so to speak. Is it any wonder therefore that when we grow up we start looking for our tribe so that we can say we have found our place? If that motivation is what drives us then we can run into problems. Why? Remember back to when you were a child and you had a secret club with your best friend or a sibling. It might have included your own language and special signs. Whatever was involved, there was bound to be some rites and rituals. When we join groups as an adult, they each have their own rules and these are often unspoken and they are what help to give the group its identity. The problem is that if you then go and challenge them in any way, you too become a threat to the group and its raison d'etre so there is likely to be a strong reaction to you as a way of protecting the group's identity.
In part leading is about challenging the status quo. It is definitely about putting our stake in the ground, saying what we believe in and standing by that even when the response we receive is either hostile or indifferent. Over time, if we are doing that from a place of authenticity then our group of supporters will group but this is not an overnight process and the journey to that place can be hard and lonely. Seth Godin writes that when we lead if we do not feel an edge of discomfort then we are not actually leading.
If this is true then it is not surprising that so few people are prepared to take a stand and be a leader. And yet I believe that each and every one of us has a unique voice that needs to be heard to make this world a better place for us all. It is the role of some to help others find their voice because I believe leadership is like a dance in which we come together and each of us leads the others in one section. To find out more about accessing your authentic voice, check out http://authenticselfleadership.wordpress.com
Showing posts with label Beth Follini. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beth Follini. Show all posts
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
How to make the most out of 2010?
I don't know about you but I always feel slightly allergic about setting goals. It reminds me of those people that I met when I was younger whose life plans went something like I am going to be married at 30, have made my first million by 33 and had three children before I am forty. My view is akin to that of John Lennon's that life happens to you whilst you are busy making other plans. That said, I had a bit of a wake up call today when my good friend and co-collaborator Beth Follini came round for a session on our Authentic Leadership programme. She asked me about progress on a couple of projects that I had mentioned to her a while back. It got me thinking about what I really wanted out of 2010 hence this post.
It made me realise that whilst I do not hold truck with goal setting, I do believe that each one of us has the ability to create our own future. I like to call it setting intentions, a powerful alternative to goal setting. I realised that I needed to set aside quality time over the next 2-3 days in preparation for 2010 to determine what it was that I wanted from 2010. What I have found this year is that it is not enough to set an overarching intention, it is vital to be specific. The definition of our intention impacts on what actually transpires.
To give you an example, this year my intention was to work collaboratively with others. I have achieved this in quite a meaningful way. However what I forgot to specify was what I wanted from these collaborations except in a vague way. Not surprisingly the outcome has not necessarily been what I desired. I have learnt a lot from what has happened and it will help me be much clearer in terms of my intentions for 2010. My view is that anyone can make goals, what is much more difficult is being clear on what one wants specifically beyond the universal wealth and happiness. What follows are my 6 tips on how to get the most of 2010:
1. Set aside at least an hour to reflect on 2009 and ask yourself what was good and what was bad about the year?
2. Focus on what you want more of and what you would like which was not present in 2009.
3. Check to make sure that what you want is aligned to what is important to you.
4. If the answer is yes then articulate your intentions. If it is your way write them down to revisit some time later in the future.
5. To realise them more quickly, imagine what life will be like when you have achieved them. If it helps make your own collage, create an affirmation (a phrase you can say to yourself starting with I love ....(adding whatever it is that you desire).
6. Keep on believing that your intention is real whatever happens in real time and it will come to fruition.
And yes this is easy to say and much harder to do which is why if you are going for a big change, it can be helpful to have a coach. I am offering a special deal to the first six people that sign up for coaching with me following this blog post. So do let me know how you get on with these tips. I am off now to set my intentions for 2010...
It made me realise that whilst I do not hold truck with goal setting, I do believe that each one of us has the ability to create our own future. I like to call it setting intentions, a powerful alternative to goal setting. I realised that I needed to set aside quality time over the next 2-3 days in preparation for 2010 to determine what it was that I wanted from 2010. What I have found this year is that it is not enough to set an overarching intention, it is vital to be specific. The definition of our intention impacts on what actually transpires.
To give you an example, this year my intention was to work collaboratively with others. I have achieved this in quite a meaningful way. However what I forgot to specify was what I wanted from these collaborations except in a vague way. Not surprisingly the outcome has not necessarily been what I desired. I have learnt a lot from what has happened and it will help me be much clearer in terms of my intentions for 2010. My view is that anyone can make goals, what is much more difficult is being clear on what one wants specifically beyond the universal wealth and happiness. What follows are my 6 tips on how to get the most of 2010:
1. Set aside at least an hour to reflect on 2009 and ask yourself what was good and what was bad about the year?
2. Focus on what you want more of and what you would like which was not present in 2009.
3. Check to make sure that what you want is aligned to what is important to you.
4. If the answer is yes then articulate your intentions. If it is your way write them down to revisit some time later in the future.
5. To realise them more quickly, imagine what life will be like when you have achieved them. If it helps make your own collage, create an affirmation (a phrase you can say to yourself starting with I love ....(adding whatever it is that you desire).
6. Keep on believing that your intention is real whatever happens in real time and it will come to fruition.
And yes this is easy to say and much harder to do which is why if you are going for a big change, it can be helpful to have a coach. I am offering a special deal to the first six people that sign up for coaching with me following this blog post. So do let me know how you get on with these tips. I am off now to set my intentions for 2010...
Saturday, 22 August 2009
What's the big deal about having a positive mental attitude especially as a parent?
One of the things that I am fascinated by as a coach is positivity, what it means and how it can affect our lives. Earlier this year I wrote about my first experience of Positive Psychology which was very inspiring; and of course in my line of work there are many coaches that espouse the Laws of Attraction as a way to live one's life. Much more recently I caught most of an interview on Women's Hour that involved the self-defined pessimist Ariel Leve and the Director of the Happiness Project, Dr Robert Holden. I was finally inspired to put pen to paper by a wise woman, Lisa Pearson, who has studied and adapted John De Martini's work in her coaching practice. Finally as if right on cue, another enlightened coach, Beth Follini, signposted me to Barbara Fredrickson's research on the subject and an article written about it. So below follow my current thoughts on the topic with a part specifically relating to parenting.
Initially I had some real concerns about unrelenting optimism, not least that it would be exhausting to maintain, as well as being a “turn off” for those around people who practise it. This seemed to be borne out by Ariel Leve's experience of parenting by her father. She found him exhausting because he was always so positive about everything in his life. Perhaps that is why she has taken up the stand that she has in life as a self-assessed defensive pessimist. From her perspective nothing can disappoint her because she has already gone through the worst case scenarios in her head. Interestingly she and Robert Holden did reach some agreement in that he stated excessive optimism was unhealthy because it probably meant the individual practising that was not being completely honest with their lot.
What is fascinating is that a great deal of Fredrickson's research supports the belief that I instinctively believed to be right but could not prove and that is about finding a balance between the negative and the positive emotions. What can happen is that our focus is on the negative because positive thoughts are so much more fleeting. This is where training the mind can come to our aid - such as the use of affirmations, meditations, future self visualisations and my personal favourite, setting intentions; or a combination of them all. Fredrickson's research indicates with an increased diet of positive thinking, we are likely to feel much more like we are living life on purpose more aware of the social support and see the opportunities for co-activity. This has certainly been my experience and many years back I would have put myself in the Leve camp!
You may be wondering well how do I do that? Positive emotions grow out of the ordinary transactions of life—being with others and following your interests. They are not related to affluence. In other words, as long as our basic needs are met, it is accessible to everyone.
Here's the really great part, Fredrickson worked with a mathematician and they proved that three positive events to one negative event was the tipping point for going from average to high performance. It is even more effective if we manage a five to one ratio where possible. However, one step at a time!
For me this has had major ramifications with regard to parenting and my lesson in all this is that I need to adapt my style to enable my girls to follow their interests more fully. I say that because with two toddlers, I do find myself saying no much more than yes and at times being disproportionately cross with the girls. I have vowed to become more aware of the level of negativity going from me to them and to aim to get it in proportion to the positivity they receive from me. Helpfully Fredrickson has developed a website called PositivityRatio.Com to help us do this. So why not check it out yourself and see what happens when you observe and make note of your positive to negative ratio in relation to your children or other parts of your life. If it starts to change, what impact is that having on your life as a whole.
I would love to hear your comments on this article so do jot them down on the blog or drop me an email to kate@wholeselfleadership.com.
Initially I had some real concerns about unrelenting optimism, not least that it would be exhausting to maintain, as well as being a “turn off” for those around people who practise it. This seemed to be borne out by Ariel Leve's experience of parenting by her father. She found him exhausting because he was always so positive about everything in his life. Perhaps that is why she has taken up the stand that she has in life as a self-assessed defensive pessimist. From her perspective nothing can disappoint her because she has already gone through the worst case scenarios in her head. Interestingly she and Robert Holden did reach some agreement in that he stated excessive optimism was unhealthy because it probably meant the individual practising that was not being completely honest with their lot.
What is fascinating is that a great deal of Fredrickson's research supports the belief that I instinctively believed to be right but could not prove and that is about finding a balance between the negative and the positive emotions. What can happen is that our focus is on the negative because positive thoughts are so much more fleeting. This is where training the mind can come to our aid - such as the use of affirmations, meditations, future self visualisations and my personal favourite, setting intentions; or a combination of them all. Fredrickson's research indicates with an increased diet of positive thinking, we are likely to feel much more like we are living life on purpose more aware of the social support and see the opportunities for co-activity. This has certainly been my experience and many years back I would have put myself in the Leve camp!
You may be wondering well how do I do that? Positive emotions grow out of the ordinary transactions of life—being with others and following your interests. They are not related to affluence. In other words, as long as our basic needs are met, it is accessible to everyone.
Here's the really great part, Fredrickson worked with a mathematician and they proved that three positive events to one negative event was the tipping point for going from average to high performance. It is even more effective if we manage a five to one ratio where possible. However, one step at a time!
For me this has had major ramifications with regard to parenting and my lesson in all this is that I need to adapt my style to enable my girls to follow their interests more fully. I say that because with two toddlers, I do find myself saying no much more than yes and at times being disproportionately cross with the girls. I have vowed to become more aware of the level of negativity going from me to them and to aim to get it in proportion to the positivity they receive from me. Helpfully Fredrickson has developed a website called PositivityRatio.Com to help us do this. So why not check it out yourself and see what happens when you observe and make note of your positive to negative ratio in relation to your children or other parts of your life. If it starts to change, what impact is that having on your life as a whole.
I would love to hear your comments on this article so do jot them down on the blog or drop me an email to kate@wholeselfleadership.com.
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